What Am I Really Doing Here?

I haven’t been updating this at all since I last made it. The last successful blog I had was on Tumblr and that was only because my heart was so broken that I needed to do something for an outlet. This blog I made because I really don’t know why, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I wanted to use this blog to hold myself accountable for being healthier and for understanding all this personal growth that’s been happening.

The past six or seven months I’ve been really trying to focus on me. I’ve been trying to be healthier, but not for the sake of looking skinnier to be accepted by other people. I’ve been wanted to feel better about myself. When I run and eat better, I have more energy and I am just generally a happier person. I was also doing a lot more reading. I keep wishing that I had read when I was younger, but I am not sure if I would have the same effect that I’m having now. Around the middle of August, all of that stopped and I’ve been having the hardest time with getting back started. I rationalizing it is because work is stressful, grad school is too much or that I am just simply tired. I’ve been having a hard time getting back to the motivation that had me running three miles in the evening just because.

I’ve slowly been getting the urge to get back into the gym. I think the fact that I dropped close to 30lbs in four months and everyone was giving such positive compliments that I somehow felt my work was done and I could lose the rest casually. I stopped tracking my food, slowly started eating more sweets and chips saying that it was “moderation.” It wasn’t long before I was back into old habits of not working out, eating late and eating foods I know are harmful for me. I lack willpower when I’m stressed or tired. The best way to get back into it is to just do it. So, that’s what I am hoping to do.

So, the question remains – what am I doing here? I’ve decide to come back because I need to get in a habit of holding myself accountable for things. The truth is, I like writing. I appreciate those who do it often and well. I’m not one of those people, but it is a release for me to be able to process my thoughts and ideas through writing. I need to do this more to not become overwhelmed with my thoughts. So, I am here for me and that’s the only way this works.